Secrets of The Group

Hating Freedom

2010-02-22T10:24:00.004-06:00

[February 22, 2010]
Kyle and I broke up last Wednesday. I had been thinking about it for awhile. I mean, it had to happen eventually. Why drag it out? I wanted to be able to be friends on good terms before he leaves. That wouldn't have happened if we waited 'til the very end. See, he's going into the air force after graduation. Thor just left to go to Afghanistan. I've long gotten over my depression and denial. I could wish and wish until my head popped off, but he's still going. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. And I don't. But there's nothing to be done. But back to Kyle. I love him, I really do. But I couldn't keep hurting myself. Knowing that in a few months he will just be gone, hurts. I think it's best we're just friends until then. I miss him, sure. But I know that what I did was for the best. Even if he doesn't think so. It was what was best for me. And I'm sorry if that makes me selfish. I'll take that burden. I really hope Thor makes it back. He's a fighter. I believe he will. I love that guy. He's an arrogant asshole, but I love him. He's my non-blood brother. He's writing a book. I can't wait to read it. It should be interesting. He's actually a pretty amazing writer. And musician. He's determined he will be famous for one of those someday. Knowing him, he probably will. He's full of surprises. I don't enjoy being apart from Kyle. It's hard, but I know we'll both be okay. We'll both find someone else soon enough. And I'll see Thor again someday. I know I will. He's not that easy to get rid of. There are times when I feel like all of this is going to be the end of me. But at the end of the day I realise it's not all that bad. Break-ups are hard. They always are. But looking back, I know I'll survive. And looking ahead, I know it will happen again. As for Thor, even if he doesn't make it, I know that he was happy because he finally got out of this crappy little town and did something he wanted to do.

This is strange... When did I become so thoughtful?

Boo! hoo?

2010-02-12T11:56:00.007-06:00

[October 20, 2009]

Halloween's soon. I wonder what will happen. I just spilled Germ-X on Hartness' paper. It was funny. Now I'm all sneezy. Kyle got his glasses yesterday. They're pretty cool. I've been talking to him on Myspace IM. I think I got him addicted to the question game. He's a pretty fun person. Both of us have Jim Carrey as one of our favorite actors. I have to remember to ask him who his favorite director is... Mine's Tim Burton. I love his movies. The Nightmare Before Christmas and Edward Scissor Hands are my favorites.

[October 23, 2009]

I only got to talk to Kyle for like 10 minutes, but it was entertaining. Haha. Then I went to sleep. The pep rally is about to start. I love watching people during pep rallies because we sit up high in the bleachers. It's fascinating. But anyway, I just wanted to write a little bit. I like Kyle. He's crazy and fun and we like alot of the same things. But I'm not sure he'd like me back. Tim Burton is doing Alice in Wonderland. Johnny Depp is going to be the Hatter. It doesn't come out 'til next March, but I really can't wait to see it. I'll definitely go see it in theater. I love Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.

[Same Day]

Yay! I'm about to go to 5th period. I love that class for so many reasons. Tehe.

[October 26, 2009]

Oh, I miss Thor so much. I only got to see him for 4 hours. I was so sad when he dropped me off at like 1 in the morning. We dropped off LeeAnn and then Scarlet. After we dropped off Scarlet, we got stuck behind a train for like 5 minutes. I think I'm the one that talked to him the most about things that don't have to do with military. I sat in the front seat of his car for the first time. I made I sure that I talked to him. My headphones didn't come out of my pocket once. I wonder if he even noticed. His mom bought 2 new cats. Penelope and Gambit. They're Scottish Folds. An orange one and a gray one. They're pretty rare and expensive. She paid $800 for one and $1000 for the other. I want to see them. Thor got an iPod Touch. He doesn't drive as much like a grandma with it in his car. Haha. He'll be gone for another 10 weeks. He gets 2 weeks home for Christmas and whatever weekend passes they give him them, if any. I felt like crap yesterday morning because I ended up falling asleep crying. My eyes looked like hell. But I talked to Kyle and he cheered me up quite a bit. When Thor dropped me off he just opened his arms and said "Come here." We hugged and as we were hugging he said it was good to see me and that he'd see me soon. I could only say "Mhmm" to each to keep me from crying. That broke as soon as I was in my room. I love Thor. He's like my big brother. I wish I could've seen him longer. He's a big fan of Tim Burton and Alice in Wonderland too so he's also excited for the movie. He scolded the group for not abusing me while he was gone. Haha. I can't wait 'til Christmas now. I hope he writes. Scarlet and I are going to join the Speech and Drama club. That should prove to be interesting. But anyway, the bell's about to ring.

[October 28, 2009]

On Saturday Scarlet and I are going to see Cirque Du Freak. I'm guessing it was good cause Kyle wants to read the books now. We'll probably go to the 2:00 showing. At 7:00 we're going to the Speech and Drama club Halloween Party at Manton's.

[October 30, 2009]

Wow. I really got cut off when I was writing last time. Tomorrow should be fun. I'm being a cat and Scarlet's going to be Little Red Riding Hood. Scarlet, her sister, and I went to the mall yesterday for costumes and we ended up staying there for 3 hours. It was so fun though. We tried on a bunch of costumes. I almost got this candycorn one. It was cute, but out of my money range. I'm going to feel so stupid, but it will be fun. I need to re-dye my hair. But I'm too lazy. Oh wow, I need to do my English project. I should look at the list and pick one. I also need to tell Kyle where I live.

[Same Day]
I don't know why I bother trying to talk to Dawn anymore. All I get are one word answers. But oh well, I have other friends to talk to. I can't wait for tomorrow. I don't even want to hang out with the rest of the group. I don't want to deal with Dawn and Xander crap. I wouldn't rather be doing anything else than what I'm doing tomorrow. It's something new and exciting. I can't wait.

[November 4, 2009]
So on Saturday, Kyle picked me and Scarlet up for the party. It was really fun. Manton had lots of cats. They made me sneezy. A couple days ago, I found out Kyle doesn't like me. He likes Scarlet. So now we have this weird little love triangle. On Monday, the 3 of us went to see Paranormal Activity. It was fun. A little weird what with the situation, but it was good. I still want to keep him as my friend, obviously. He's awesome. I just wish... But oh well. Who knows what will happen? I love being able to branch out of the group. That sounds so horrible, but I'm just the little sister, so I like to be something else for once. I'm pretty much the same to everyone in the group. But Kyle, he's different. I don't even know how to explain it. He's fun and he actually asks you to do things with him. I wonder if his mind could change. But i don't know. Guess I'll find out eventually. Ugh. The Desktop teacher gave me and Kimber detention today. At least I won't be stuck all the way on the side of the room for once. I just now realized how quiet I really am. I'm so quiet when I'm not around friends. Weird...

[November 5, 2009]
Okay, um, so I think Jimmy may like me. Now we have a freaking love square. Or a train. Hah! A love Conga! But it's weird. He likes me, I like his best friend, which likes my best friend. Wow... This is never going to end. Oh, now Scarlet needs to like someone who turns out to be gay with feelings for Jimmy. We'd have a love star or circle or something. I don't know how to deal with this, though. I've never had a big love circle like this. Oh my gosh! I'm so going on the cliff repelling thing if Scarlet does. I'm nervous though. I'm so scared of heights. Haha. But I love experiencing things. So I'll do it. I don't know what to do. Kyle is the first person I've really liked since Xander. But who knows? I never thought anything would happen with Xander either. I'm not giving up just yet. I think I'm becoming alot more confident in myself. I like it.

[November 8, 2009]
You know what's funny? When you think you have a chance and you really don't. Looking back to what I previously wrote, I'm definitely giving up now. Scott told me that Kyle and Scarlet kissed. I honestly thought he was lying, but he wasn't. Kyle called while he was on break and asked what I would think if there was a Xander-Dawn repeat [AKA- Someone I like dating my friend.]. In the middle of talking to him, it was confirmed. I'm surprised I kept calm. But I broke later. It happened on Monday. It took 6 days for someone to tell me. I don't know why everyone does that. It's really annoying. We saw Law Abiding Citizen today, then went to Kyle's. It was fun. I don't know what I always manage to do wrong. I think I'll skip out on the next movie. Geez, how do I always get myself into these things. I can never like someone without them being like 'Hey, woah, I like your friend.' I hate being selfish about this, but seriously, it's not fair. I have a feeling that I'll be very drowned in music tomorrow. Kyle's the first person since Xander to make me feel like I actually mean something. So this really sucks. I don't understand. Even if I pick a good guy, I still get hurt. I sometimes realize how twisted my mind is. Sometimes I get this feeling. I'll want to take Nyquil cause I know it makes me sleep. There's times when I want to get away from things that bad. I've never told anyone that before. It's completely horrible that I want to sleep that bad. No one gets my love of sleep. I love it because I don't feel how I do when I'm awake, and that's enjoyable. But that's not the point. I just don't understand anything anymore. I wonder what would happen if I really did run away? Where would I even go? I'm not sure I'd even care. I just want to go. I wish I lived on a farm. I would always be in the fields at night, just laying there under the stars. I wish life was just that easy. I want Thor to come home. Just next month. He always makes me happy, no matter what. I can't think of a time where I've been seriously mad at him. He can always make me smile and I always look forward to seeing him. He's the best. I think he may be my favorite guy out of the group. I love him. I wish he was my brother. I know he would always be there for me. God, I miss him. I wonder what it would be like to just hang out with him alone. It would be random. Like my ride home. It was very peaceful though. I can't wait to see him again. I want to get him a Christmas present for some reason. I can't think of a possible gift though. Everything seems stupid. I feel like I should make him a necklace or something. I don't know. I just to give him something, but I don't know what. I'll think of something eventually.

[November 10, 2009]
Yesterday, I got out of school early for an orthodontist appointment. After that my mom and I went to get the inspection on my truck. I got to drive. It was cool. After that I wanted McDonald's but my mom said I couldn't unless I drove through. We talking about this as we were paying for the inspection. The guy, who was kind of cute, said it wasn't that bad. I caved. I was really hungry. So i drove through for the first time. It was so easy and not near as bad as I thought it would be. After that we went to HEB for gas. I ate my food while my mom was filling the truck. Then we stopped by Drug Emporium for no reason. We got some random stuff and I got an air freshener for my truck. It smells good.

Hating Morning.

2010-02-08T10:47:00.013-06:00

[September 29, 2009]
I'm tired this morning. I don't know if I'm really tired, but exhausted is probably a better word. I know it's weird, but I want to see them kiss. I feel like the only reason that I haven't is because they don't trust that I'm completely okay yet. I don't even know if I'm completely okay yet. But you know what? I've never seen Xander kiss anyone else and I've never seen Dawn kiss anyone in general. I'm not some freakish, pervy, peeping tom. It's just a step I have to get past.

[Later that same day.]
I want to get to know that person! Ahh, I've got a headache. My head is pounding and my eyes burn. I think I'm getting sick again. I need medicine. I should probably take some Ibuprofen. I think I'm getting a fever.

[Later that same day. Again.]
I'm very surprised that no one's guessed that I like him. And if they have, they haven't accused me. Which is insane. It would be so embarrassing if he found out, though. I don't know why, but it just would be. I've talked to him only a little out of school, on Myspace. He's sweet. It's very odd. The only reason I haven't used his name is because Xander reads this. Dawn is the only one that knows. I'll tell Xander eventually, I guess. If he wants to know.

[September 30, 2009]
So yesterday I told Xander that I like Andrew. I told Kimber this morning. She likes him, too. Whatever, though. Yesterday someone left the cigarettes visible in Xander's car and the sheriff walked by and saw. So Xander got in trouble for minor possession. While Xander was in the sheriff's car, I was talking to Andrew. I had a horrible fever and headache yesterday. Shane was up at the school and everyone was by his truck. I went over and rested my head against his shoulder and Andrew walked over. I'm not entirely sure how we even started talking, but we did. I had told him that I was sick again. He said, "That sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pissed." I asked him why and he told me that his friend killed himself the day before. I didn't know what to say. Later, he was laughing about something and I was just like, "Hey, you have a retainer." It was random, but he has a pretty smile. Then, I rested my head on the edge of Josh's truck and some people were in the bed. Manton started massaging my head. It was random but it felt really good so I didn't care. I love Thor. I miss him alot sometimes. He was like my big brother. I need someone, I really do. i need some sort of affection. It'd be cool if Andrew could go to our church sometime. But I'm not sure.

[Same day. 5:50 P.M]
Ahh! I so did not mean to tell Scott that I like Andrew. Dammit... I don't trust him to not tell.

[Same day. Time? Who cares?]
Today is the first time I haven't been able to breathe in awhile. And it's not because I'm sick. No, that's not it. I'm just pissed. They think it's cause my pen broke [It was one of my favorite ones and like the 3rd to break in a week.]. The thing is, if Xander's around, I don't get my friend. I get Xander's Dawn. And his Dawn is the most fragile thing in the world. But I'm the one that gets the pain. Emotional and physical. Who cares what kind? It's there either way and I'm pretty sick of it. Scott's sitting here, trying to talk to me. I can't tell him exactly what's wrong because it's not one thing, it's everything. And I'm alone. I'm ALWAYS alone. Xander and Dawn are together. Kimber, Scarlet, and Lewis are the best of friends now, along with LeeAnn. Scott's with Miranda. But guess who's left? Me. And who else? No one. I'm really starting to hate life. I thought it was getting better. What comes up, must come down I guess. And I knew I couldn't like who I actually want. But, seriously, why can't someone that I like just like me back for once? All I've eaten today is 2 pieces of bread, a few crackers, some Cheez-Its, and a fruit roll-up. Filling, huh?

[October 3, 2009]
Well, I'm better I guess. I saw Xander and Dawn kiss on Thursday, finally. Scott saw Wednesday night. It didn't really affect me any. I just really don't care anymore. I remember on Thursday I told Dawn that I was starting to go numb. But maybe, just maybe, I'm not. Maybe I'm just moving on and since I don't feel the pain anymore I'm not sure how to feel. I left school during first period yesterday because I got sick.

[October 4, 2009]
I now realize that I'm pretty happy. The only thing I'm missing is someone by my side to be happy with. There's this series of books that I really like called the Keisha'ra Series. There are 5 books and they're about shapeshifters. I would really like to re-read them, but I only have the 5th. It just fascinates me, the way their ways and morals are portrayed. Anyway, I love Coyote Ugly. I watched it on Friday night. That is one of my favorite movies. The guy is freaking hot. Haha. But I remember when me and Kimber stayed the night at Scarlet's and Xander and Scott were over. That's when we were still couples. We had gone to the Lawn playground, but then we went back to Scarlet's. The guys had to go but we really weren't ready for them to. So we went and got them and they stayed at Scarlet's for about another hour. All we did was lay on Scarlet's bed and watch Coyote Ugly. Those were good times. For me, at least. I miss having something like that. I'll have it again with someone, someday. Who knows? Maybe that day's sooner than I think. I'm going to try to fix myself. I'll try to be as optimistic as possible and hope for the best. But for now, I'm happy. I'll find someone. Soon, hopefully. At least sometime my sophomore year. I've still got 5 6-weeks to go.

[October 5, 2009]
Wow. Weird dreams much. Dawn stealing her mom's credit card, looking at porn, blaming it on being lonely, and Xander being proud. Haha. I'm so happy. So wondrously, magnificently happy. I just want to run up and hug random people. That sounds very exciting. Dawn and I discussed whether trucks or cars are sexier. It was agreed that trucks win that one. I love trucks. Haha. Especially guys' trucks. Dawn makes fun of e and says I'm horny. Nah, I just like guys. And I'm single. I might as well ogle to my liking. I honestly have no idea why I feel so happy. I'm just great. Just need a boyfriend and I'll be so insanely happy. I don't know who, though. No one notices me. So sad... But anyway, it'll happen eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

[October 6, 2009]
I wrote Thor a letter. I sent it out this morning. I'm just afraid he won't write back. But maybe he will. Devon and I like each other. Crazy, huh? I'm so happy, happy, happy still. But for some reason I still feel like I'm more drawn to Andrew. I have no idea why. I DO like Devon. I just like Andrew more. Oh well. Nothing important has really happened lately. But something good may happen soon. I do hope so.

[Same day.]
You know what I love? Cotton Candy. I can't believe I missed the fair this year. It's horrible. I got every year. It's always been my thing. Fair and rodeo. Nothing changes each year. It all stays the same. It's constant. I like having certain constants and that had always been one. Just a random thought. I love music so much. It calms me. I just got done listening to 'Brightest Hour' by The Submarines. Now I'm listening to 'Your Ex-lover is Dead' by The Stars. Dawn know that song. It's a good one.

[October 7, 2009]
I'm starting to like Devon more. He's got pretty eyes. I don't really...understand why he like me though. I don't know. I hope he comes to church. That'd be cool.

[October 8, 2009]
Yay! Devon asked me out last night. it was just kind of awkward this morning. I don't exactly know what to do. It'll get better, though. I guess. The only 2 people he's kissed are Alex and Frosta. Ew. But oh well. I like him and apparently I'm Dillon's 'twin sister' now. Devon left to go on the FCCLA trip. It sucks. But I'm so happy.

[October 13, 2009]
4 days. What's happened in the past 4 days? Dawn says it's just angsty 'I don't love Devon'-ness so i guess I'll just briefly explain. Game Friday. Kiss when I went home. Awkward and didn't feel right. And I don't know how to fix it. That's all about my angsty 'I don't love Devon'-ness. I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm on medicine for a month in case it isn't a stomach ulcer. But if it is, I have to go back and get the scope down my throat. I weight 106 pounds. Ew. The newest desktop project should be fun. Senior memory books. But yeah, I'm not sure when Xander became the enemy. Not really an enemy, but not so much my friend either. I don't know what happened. i do know that I miss my Tall Person, though.

[October 15, 2009]
Andrew likes trees and Death Cab For Cutie. That just automatically deems him cool in my book. Haha. I need to break up with Devon. I really do. I need to talk to him but i do not want to do it in person. I'm not exactly great at break ups. The last time I had to break up with someone was almost 5 months ago and all I did was hand Xander his necklace. I didn't even say anything because I knew he would understand. I wonder what ever happened to that necklace... I just keep weaving my way deeper into this mess I've made when I know nothing good will come out of it. Andrew's very fun to talk to though. He's good at the question game. Fields of Faith was pretty fun last night. I hung out with Zack, Israel, and Peyton. Peyton's my little brother. Well, not technically. But he might as well be. I love that kid. He looks so cute in my hoodie. Haha. I don't understand it... How me and Xander are still so close. It's like we were never even together. We act like we did before. I don't know. It really doesn't matter, I guess. I need to stay the night at Kimber's. I haven't done that in ages. Just me, no one else. When Dawn tries to tell me something that deals with her and Xander I usually say "That's cool, don't care." And that kind of holds truth. Scarlet was like, "So if she got pregnant, you wouldn't care or be disappointed?" I said, "Nope, I'd say 'Congratulations. I hope it's a boy. I'll be there when he's broken.'" Dawn wants to tell me these things and for me to be fascinated and excited for her. But the only thing that runs through my mind is 'Yeah, I know it's cool. I've already been there and done that.' But whatever. Who cares? Right now I'm focused on the greatness of Death Cab For Cutie and just relaxing. I'm just tired alot of the time and I don't want to deal with drama or pain. I just want to relax and enjoy things.

[October 16, 2009]
Finally! I'm single once more. And my ulcer's going away. I'm so happy again. I'm going to go get a piercing and new headphones tomorrow. I'll probably get my belly button done. I wonder who will go with me. My mom still doesn't even know I was with Devon. Mmm. I'm having the most delicious sucker. It's called Tropical Splash. It's very blue. I got so confused last night. Allisson's number was saved under LeeAnn's name for some reason. So I was really texting Allisson when I thought it was LeeAnn. I had the best peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. It was so good. I can't wait for tomorrow. Everything feels so back to normal now. And the table at lunch won't be all weird anymore.

[October 18, 2009]
I got my belly button pierced yesterday. But that's not what's on my mind. What is, is what I just read of Dawn's most recent writing. I don't think that she gets that it's more than the fact that I've 'been there, done that.' Does she really think I want to hear how all her firsts were also mine? That the guy i first 'loved,' is now with one of my best friends? That I couldn't manage to keep him and now she's got him. And she want to know what I told Thor about. Well, it's not for her to know. It's between me and him. No one else knows either. It's pathetic that I have to be on medication to deal with the physical pain of being stressed. As if the emotional crap isn't enough... Usually if we're blocking out Dawn, it's because she's either pouting or complaining that Xander isn't there. Ether way, for the rest of us, he's there. And I don't want to hear about him. Cause now the only time me and him talk is with Dawn in the middle. He never messages back. But why should I care, right? And you know what? Sure, I was worried that Dawn passed out, but if she's going to slap me, she can deal with whatever comes with that. That is one of the few things I can't stand. And also, I don't understand how Dawn can expect me to be happy about things with them when any time I'm around them, if I so much as touch her, it's a 'Yay! Let's attack Marina' button for Xander. So I just won't make any physical contact with Dawn from now on. I would run away if I had anywhere to go. But I don't. So for now, I'm stuck here. My parents always fight. I can never do anything right. Lewis' been the only one to realize that I still want to run away. I bet I could always call Greg. I bet if I ever needed help or to just get away, I could call and he'd come get me. I always feel completely comfortable around him. Everything gets drowned out and it's just like when we were little. I just admire him. He's my favorite person out of the whole family. Sometimes even more than my mom. I hate my other cousin, Greg's older brother, Daniel. He always hurt me. Still does any time I see him. Lesleigh's my second favorite. She's cool. But Greg, I grew up with. I watched him crash his bike and get so torn up and broken. I learned how to draw from him. We always wrestled. He took me fishing and taught me how to drive. I got my admiration of cars and puffy veins from him. He let me sit and draw on his back with gel pens for hours and would do the same to me. We played dodgeball with tennis balls and base balls in the back yard. We painted his neighbor's fence together. He drew flames for me so I could stencil them on my scooter. He almost drove us off the side of a cliff in a jeep. We had Oreos for breakfast. He makes the best homemade cheese fries. I'll love that kid 'til the end of forever. I really do miss him alot. I wonder when he'll get married. I'm definitely going to be there for that. He taught me how to shoot with a bow and arrow and guns. Man, I've got to get back in touch with him. But sleep is good for now.

Explanations

2010-02-06T15:17:00.004-06:00

[September 23, 2009]
I got my stereo and a new purse yesterday. hah, randomness. But anyway, Dawn and Xander were discussing going to her church today. She hasn't gone in a couple weeks. Kimber says she won't go to Dawn's church. I want to go though. So does Dawn. I want to see Peyton. [One of my friend's little brother. He's like my little brother, too.] And I would love to see the look on Dana's [Youth leader.] face if the whole group were to go. But whatever, I still want to go. I know Lewis would. I don't know about Scarlet though. It would be pretty fun with just the 4 of us. I should get my new hoodie by Friday. Good thing, too. It's been getting cooler lately and the one I have now is falling apart. I can't wait to get my license. I got to drive yesterday. I went to United and Britt [Scarlet's ex. One of our friend's brother.] was working so I got to bother him.There was this guy named Xavier that worked there. He had cool hair, but he kinda looked like a girl. Hah. I saw Greg yesterday. I was at a stop sign and he turned on that same road. He honked at me and it scared the hell out of me. I think a person's pretty cool. I won't put a name since i let Dawn and Xander read this and I don't know if I want them to know I like him. I don't know him well and I know it's just a pointless liking. Things wouldn't work at all. So I'll just admire him from afar. Hah. Xander still has to tell me why 'Veins and Scars' made him happy and sad. I should ask him about that soon.

[Septemeber 24, 2009]
Oh god, I'm exhausted. I just want to go home [I'm at school.] and go back to sleep. But I can't. We went to church last night. It was me, Lewis, Xander, and Dawn. I was right. It was fun. Until the very end at least. I went to the Kimber's house after school. But it was kind of weird because Xander was the one to pretty much invite me over. But I went anyway. I sat on the couch chair with Jake [Kimber's dog] and was reading my book for english. I fell asleep though. Xander woke me up at about 5:15. He told Lewis we'd be there to get him at around 5:20. I had been dreaming about Grease. Hah. So we went and got Lewis. Xander got kind of paranoid because he had been smoking and he thinks Lewis' mom could smell it. Lewis' cat attacked him. So we were on our way to church and Xander was, once again, smoking. I was watching the cigarette and waiting for a piece to fall off. It fell off and I didn't see where it went. Then all of a sudden I hear Lewis give a girly scream from the backseat. None of us could stop laughing. It was nice. When we got to the church there was the most amazing car there. It was a red sting ray. It was so amazing. Youth wasn't really youth. It was a luncheon for Kid's Time [Classes for the little kids]. So we all ate and just hung out. The flowers outside killed my allergies though. Then we played volleyball for awhile. Well, me and Dawn kind of just watched. I got to see Peyton and that made me really happy. After awhile we decided to leave, but we didn't want to go home just yet. We were about to cross the railroad tracks and I got an idea. I wanted to go to the elementary playground and so did Xander. So he turned around and we did. We climbed on one of the jungle gyms, but I decided to leave Dawn and Xander alone. I went over to the swings and Lewis followed. As I was sitting down, I turned to him and said, "I have a feeling about them, a good feeling. Like here, tonight, could be their first kiss. What with the playground and the stars." Then me and Lewis started talking about random things. It was mostly just me talking and him listening. I was just remembering things from the past. Finally, I got off the swing and started walking around and just remembering things that happened in each spot. I started pacing and Lewis sat down. I had a feeling something would happen and I had the instinct to run. So I walked around a building to get to the other part of the playground. I looked back and saw Lewis following, so I sped up some some and when I was out of his sight, I ran. I leaned up against the building for a couple minutes and caught my breath. i sat down on a pole and Lewis, finally and unfortunately, found me. I wouldn't look at him. After a few minutes I got up and walked toward the car, right as Xander and Dawn were. Perfect timing. I knew Xander and Dawn had kissed. In the car, I focused on the music and a plane in the sky. I couldn't think about anything right then. We dropped off Lewis, then me next. I was forcing myself to be calm. When we got to my house I opened the door, said "Adios peoples," and slowly closed the door. i got inside and ate something for dinner. I messaged Dawn and she asked why I hadn't answered my phone. I told her that i didn't have my phone with me and that I'd call her in a minute. I called and she told me that her and Xander had kissed. I had been messaging Lewis and he said he wanted to as me out at the playground so badly. I told him he's like my brother. I said I was sorry and we just stopped talking. I was talking to Dawn and Xander about what would happen if I ran away. Dawn said it would change everything, that I'm the 'link.' I don't see it that way at all. The way I see it is if i go away things will be better. Lewis can't love me if I'm not there. Xander and Dawn won't have to worry about me. Xander said I shouldn't run away and if I absolutely had to, to go to his house. How would that work? especially if it was late at night. What am i supposed to do, sneak out of my house and shimmy in through his window? But if it ever got too bad, i suppose i would. Or I'd figure out something. But while talking to Dawn on the phone, I started coughing really bad. Apparently Xander's not feeling well either. I took some Nyquil and it finally knocked me out at about 11:30. So far, I haven't talked to Lewis at all today. I want a hug. I would've been fine last night if only one thing had happened. But their kiss and the Lewis thing together kind of had me a little breathless. I wish I could live with Kimber sometimes. But I don't sometimes, also. i just like being close to someone physically for some reason. I hate being alone sometimes. I just like having physical contact with someone. I like being able to feel heartbeats. They calm me. And I have nobody I can have that with.

[September 25, 2009]
Oh god, Dawn scared the crap out of me this morning. I messaged her and she was just giving one word answers so I asked if she was okay and she said no. I asked what happened and then I found out she just doesn't feel good. I was freaking out. Hah, the irony. I get sad when they get together, but now I'd be sad if they were apart. I swear there's something wrong with me. It's weird. I want to hang out with Dawn and Xander. I don't know why. I kind of want to have another random day like the one when we went to Dawn's. They'll probably think I'm weird. It's odd that I want to be with them. I feel like they treat me different than the others. Like they take me more seriously or trust me me more. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Who knows? I wish they would come over this weekend. That would be nice.

[September 26, 2009]
A fair- weather friend. An interesting term. It's a friend who runs at the first sign of trouble. It's not even related to what I'm going to write about. it just had an interesting sound to it.

When you're little you believe that you're invincible and that you can do anything. And certain people, when they get older, still believe that. I'm not one of them. I'm not a real big believer in myself. I feel like the only things I know well, is remember music. Like even this, my writing, I feel is horrible. The only reason I do it is so I can get my feelings out without doing something destructive. and I let Dawn and Xander read it because they won't judge me. I think I'm starting to trust them the most. I think that they just understand me alot better. I wonder if it's weird how much I trust Xander. In so many ways he's like my brother. I feel the need to protect him and I think, I don't know for sure, that he feels the same sometimes. And Dawn, I feel like she's my little sister. Just a bit younger and not far behind. I realize that I write alot about them and that may be weird. But I feel so close to both of them and that's kind of twisted. Or it should be at least. I know they say they don't care when I'm around. i also know that I don't always believe them. It feels like I should feel like a 3rd wheel, but I don't. i guess it has something to do with the writing. We share that among us 3. Maybe that's what makes me feel close to them. Oh, today me and Dawn were talking about graduation. I wonder what will happen with Xander when he graduates. I feel like I'll lose my Tall Person when he's not there anymore. I'm talking to Lewis about how I'm not usually serious in the group, but other times I am. I was showing more of myself on the playground than I meant to. i can be alot more serious than I think people are able to expect from me. I'm just afraid of what they'd think of that side of me. I really wish Xander would say what he thinks about things. I would love to know more about him. Sometimes I feel like I let him read all of this and he could be thinking anything. So I let my mind wander and bad results come up. I feel calm around him and Dawn. Like we could just be sitting in the car with the radio turned up and speeding down back roads. Like that's the most peaceful, relaxing thing in the world. Like our thoughts don't matter and we're all just happy. I wish life could always be like that. Or that it could be enough to just drive with the windows down, the music blasting, and 2 of your best friends along with you.

[September 28, 2009]

The Bitter After Taste of Coffee

Xander, Xander, Xander, Xander, XANDER!! Ugh. I swear that there are so many times I just want to scream. The memories overfill my mind and i can't find anything to replace them with. Today, I found the first person I can picture kissing since Jason. He's pretty cool. I don't know much about him, but I'd like to. Xander was my first kiss and so far, he's my last. I desperately want to change that. But you see, this guy I like, I don't think he would ever see me like that. I wish he would, though. He's cute but hot at the same time. I haven't really talked to him alot. If you've ever kissed someone who smokes, you'd know that it's a very airy, bitter taste. Very similar to coffee. And that flavor still, to this day, is stuck with me. I wonder how similar his would be. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I ever will. After school today, Tyler just randomly wrapped his hands around my ribs and lifted me up way high. He was like "What the hell?!" and lifted me up again. I squealed and he set me down. I really hate being lifted up. I don't trust them enough to not drop me. Andrew was just like "You must weigh like 60 pounds." Well he was off by 43 pounds. I weigh 103 pounds. Which means I need to lose some. I hate being over 100. I just don't like it at all. I have never been over 104. I'm sure this sounds horrible. There are many times I've wanted to just stop eating. There's been many times where I've actually felt fat. And I have never told anyone that. And I honestly never intended to. When me and Xander broke up, I didn't eat for 3 straight days. I'm not even sure if he remembers that. But I felt horrid. And I was disgusted with myself. He had hurt me and I didn't know why. So I made my own reasons. Me being beyond ugly was one of them. When I finally forced myself to eat, any smell of food made me nauseous. It took me about 5 minutes to eat just one bite of a Slim Jim without throwing it back up. I guess that's not exactly healthy, but at that time I couldn't care less. I just wanted to fix whatever was wrong with me that cause my pain to happen. I was either too quiet or too loud. I couldn't balance out my emotions correctly. I remember eating dinner with Kimber's family and her mom asked me why I wasn't eating. Xander told her that I hadn't been eating. When she asked me why I just looked at Xander and told her to ask him. I think it was just dropped then and I didn't care. If they didn't care, whey should I? Even now I'll still have days that I'll eat little to nothing. And I don't really care. There are times I wish I could walk up to some random guy and kiss him just to get rid of the fact that I knows that Xander was my last kiss and I have to share that with Dawn. I should get to know that person because even though there's probably no chance, I guess I could still hope. I'm not even sure he's single. I'll find out eventually I guess.

The Beginning

2010-02-05T23:48:00.006-06:00

[September 21, 2009]
Dawn and Xander are so much alike even though she doesn't see it. They both act so much stronger than they really are. They may just end up being what they need for each other. Even if it doesn't last a long time. For the time being, they're helping each other break their barriers. He's revealing more of his past for the first time and she's finally not alone. They may have troubles along the way because, well, he's not good at resisting and she's very kept to herself. Today we found out that Scarlet and Xander kissed on the night we stayed Kimber's house for her birthday. It was only 10 days before him and Dawn started dating. Dawn, I think, is going through a very confusing round of emotions. She seems torn between being mad at Scarlet or Xander. She's wondering if she should have listened to all the others when they said he'd hurt her. But I also found out some things about Xander's past that were disturbing to hear. It was finally explained why he doesn't like girls saying they're sorry to him. Things that were intended to happen, didn't. And for that, I'm grateful. I love my Tall Person so much. I don't think anyone really understands how much. It hurt me to hear what I did from Dawn. I just sat and stared at nothing as my eyes started to burn from unshed tears. But I'm not sure if he would've wanted me to cry for him. He acts so strong when, really, I think somewhere inside he's just a little kid who's scared of things he's done wrong. Afraid that no on will love him anymore if we know what he's been through, and what he's done. I don't think he understands that there's nothing that could make me stop loving him. He's my special Tall Person. I know that my not sound like much to anyone else, but, for me, it has a deeper meaning. For me, that phrase signifies everything he is to me. He's the boy who I fell in love with. He's the one who first kissed me. He's the boy who loved me back. He's the one who did, and still does, protect me. He's the big brother I always wanted. He's the best guy friend and I can tell him almost anything without him judging me. He's the one I look up to, actually. He may be broken but he still stays strong for others. He makes mistakes but, really, who doesn't? He's still human. His bones can break and he can bleed. He feels just as any other person does. He has ticklish spots and he loves puppies. I get what Dawn meant now. She said he used to watch me and look so proud and happy. But she's filled that spot now. He looks down at her and his eyes light up. They look happy and carefree. Watching his eyes has always been one thing that's helped me understand what he's feeling. I really do believe he cares for her very much. He's telling her things he's never told anyone else. She says it's timing. I say it's the right person finally being there. I wish I could have been that person, but I wasn't, and I think that's okay. Dawn deserves it, someone to love her. So does he. I think if they kissed I'd be okay, but Scarlet kinda ruined that. Dawn understands, to an extent, how I feel now. But I'm getting over it because I know that I won't ever be that person again, as much as I wish I could be... I wish I could read minds so I could know what everyone's really thinking and feeling. I accidentally said that I was sorry to Xander twice today and the flash of pain in his eyes just about killed me, especially now that I know why. Dawn and I are the only 2 that know. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully and truly get over Xander. He's someone I care about very much. I wish someone would come along and look at me like he used to. I just want to love and be loved in return again. I don't want to ever forget about Xander and I hope I always know him. I'm so glad the things that were supposed to happen, didn't. I'd be so much different than I am today. Alot of people would. I always wish that Xander and I were those really close friends. The guy friend that just holds the girl friend when she doesn't feel good or is scared or just because it's physical contact. The one who just pets her hair to soothe her and reassure that someone is there that cares and loves her. I want that so bad, with anyone. I mean, yeah, I have girl friends, but guys are just different. And it'd be nice to know someone loves me. But for now I'll just have to live without that. I really do hope I'll be his Baja Amiga [Spanish for Short Friend] for as long as we know each other. And I hope that's for a very long time because I know he'll always be my special Tall Person. I'll always love him no matter what happens. I hope things for him and Dawn will be okay. They deserve to be happy.

[The things that happened to Xander are not told for personal reasons.]

[Later the Same Day]
I wonder if Dawn regrets telling me the things about Xander. It's just another thing I share with them. It makes me feel bad that she can't have a Xander that's not tainted by me, but I don't regret dating him at all. So not everything can work the way you want it to.

[September 22, 2009]
I want Xander to read this, but at the same time, I don't. It'll be so embarrassing and I won't know what he'll think. Why does this have to be so complicated? I probably should tell Dawn and Xander what I told Lewis about my dad. It partially explains why I flinch when people raise their hand to me. If someone I care about slaps me and it doesn't physically hurt, it hurts me emotionally and stings for hours. I guess I'll write it here and let them read it. When I was little I loved my dad. He didn't have a huge drinking problem back then so I loved him. I was a daddy's girl. I'd fall asleep on his lap watching basketball or football on the TV. He was a truck driver so he was gone over the road alot of the time. I would puke every time he left. My mom worked alot so I always had to stay with my grandma. My cousin lived a few houses down from her so I spent most of my time with him. Greg was the closest thing I had to a sibling. He's about 3 years older than me. I remember always wanting to be like him. He did everything right. He's the best artist I know. He's always been amazing and he never complained about me hanging out with him, even as I got older. About the time I turned 12 was when we started to drift apart. But in a way, we're still just as close. We always wrestled. Always. Even to this day. As soon as we see each other we make fun of each other and wrestle around. I miss him so much. But my father, I don't know what happened. He started drinking increasingly. We used to wrestle, also. But as I got older, it got more violent. I've had so many close calls on broken bones. I get called names almost everyday. I hate any time he touches me now. I hate going home. Usually the only time I'm not in my room is when he's not home or when I'm eating. I'm either usually not home or locked in my room. I've been the cause of many of my parent's fights. I've been called a bitch, a slut, worthless, good for nothing. You name it. I've also been the cause of them almost divorcing many times. I've had my mom screaming at me, saying "Do you want to be the reason we got a divorce?!" I've had a conversation between me and my mom go like this:
Mom: Do you really hate him that much?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Do you wish he was gone?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Do you want me to divorce him?
Me: Seriously?
Mom: If you really hate him that much. Do you want me to?
Me: ...No.

Because I either have to deal with the him for a few more years or I live with the guilt of being the reason they divorce. I have a half sister, Brooke. She's my dad's kid from before me and my mom. I haven't seen her since I was 5 years old. Over the summer I had the chance to talk to her. I always wondered, "Does she remember me? Will she ever want to see her little sister, to know her?" Apparently so. But I found out that she has other little sisters. She wouldn't want me. After 10 years of waiting and wondering, I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. So I don't know about that anymore. I'm so scared that my father, the one who should care about me and love me, will hurt me. It makes me scared of anyone that raises their hand to me. Like Xander, when he accidentally slapped me. It didn't hurt too bad physically and I knew it was an accident, but I couldn't make my mind believe that. That spot stung for awhile just because of that.

Here We Are

2010-02-05T12:55:00.008-06:00

Here are some brief descriptions of each us:

Marina- That's me. I'm a sophomore in highschool. I'm a little crazy and random. And when I say a little, I mean alot. I love music, but I'm not very musically talented. I'm more into the lyrics than anything. I jot down random lyrics all the time. My friends used to call me a walking musical because I'd always sing random things. I'm like everyone's little sister.
Kimber- That's my best friend. We've known each other since the 3rd grade. She can be pretty vicious sometimes, but she's awesome.
Scarlet, Dawn, and LeeAnn- They're my other best friends. They're just as important, it's just that I might as well be part of Kimber's family. Scarlet's a huge flirt. Dawn's the quiet one who, at times, can be pretty socially retarded. But she's gotten alot better with that over time. LeeAnn's a huge music fanatic. She loves singing.
Lewis- He's often sad. And sometimes I'm a big part of that. He's practically in love with me. He has been for over a year now. But I don't think of him like that. He's like my little brother. He seems to bring out guys feminine sides. Everyone loves him. I always accuse him of being bisexual, which I'd have no problem with. He just always acts so girly.
Xander- He's Kimber's older brother. He's a senior this year. I dated him for around 3 months. But he cheated on me. I still love him. But like a brother. He's my special Tall Person. He's very stony at times. He tends to keep his emotions bottled up. Him and Dawn dated after we did.
Scott- He's Xander's best friend. And along with Xander, he's a senior this year. He's like a big teddy bear to his friends. But he can be a grizzly to people that don't know him. He tends to play the big brother role to everyone. Him and Scarlet went out for like 4 months, but ended up breaking up.
Shane- He's Xander and Kimber's older brother. He's 19, currently unemployed, and still lives at home. But he's an amazing big brother.
Thor- He's 21. He was a bassist in a metal band. I met him through Shane. They used to work together. He's in the army now, though. He's like another big brother to me. He's so funny. He's always messing around and making dirty jokes.
Kyle- He's my current boyfriend. He's a nerd. But he's a cool nerd. He's a senior, along with his best friend, Jimmy. He's joining the air force when he graduates. He's sweet and listens when you need him to. We've been together for almost 3 months. The 16th of this month will be 3 months.

Words of Rhyme

2010-02-04T19:39:00.003-06:00

I've only written 2 poems that I'm proud of. One is called 'Veins and Scars.' The other is 'Fly Away.' They are based on 2 different guys. The first is about my ex and the second is about my current boyfriend. 'Veins and Scars' is about Xander, my ex, and 'Fly Away' is about my current boyfriend, Kyle.

Veins and Scars

I run my fingertips across each vein while questioning about each scar
I expect you to be looking down in disgust, but it never seems you are
I silently thank you in the back of my mind
Because it seems to be a comfort of some bizarre kind
I sometimes wonder what you're thinking of me as i perform such a strange act
But you've never turned me down, not once, and that seems to be a fact
Your veins appear to be the proof of life in you
While your scars show all of the things you've had to go through
But as i admire you, so proud and so strong,
I can't help but notice that something is wrong
You have scars on your arms that are usually hidden
And these are the ones caused by something forbidden
But as much as i know they should make me sad,
I just look at them as wounds from past battles you've had
Battles against emotions, and battles against yourself
Trophies that are set upon an old, dusty shelf
So i still sit there, running my fingertips across each vein and questioning about each scar
And i silently admire the person you are
So proud and so strong
Even with everything that's ever gone wrong

Fly Away

You say I feel nothing
You wonder and want
You say you want something
But just don't know what
I've left you with scars you just can't erase
And you'll leave me with scars that I'm too scared to face
It scares me to think that soon you will leave
And as much as I tell you, you still don't believe that I care, and I love you, and want you to stay
But you want to be free, you want a new way
So you'll leave, you'll go, you'll soon fly away
Feeling victorious because you've gone to save the day

The Point

2010-02-04T12:55:00.003-06:00

I started keeping a journal when I had things I couldn't tell anyone in fear of how they'd react. I started letting a couple people read it when they found out what was going on with me anyway. I let Dawn and Xander read it. I wanted to put that whole journal on here. Everything that I've written so far. I want to hear people's thoughts on what went on. On what will be going on. I don't mind if the comments are positive or negative. I just enjoy the feedback.