[September 21, 2009]
Dawn and Xander are so much alike even though she doesn't see it. They both act so much stronger than they really are. They may just end up being what they need for each other. Even if it doesn't last a long time. For the time being, they're helping each other break their barriers. He's revealing more of his past for the first time and she's finally not alone. They may have troubles along the way because, well, he's not good at resisting and she's very kept to herself. Today we found out that Scarlet and Xander kissed on the night we stayed Kimber's house for her birthday. It was only 10 days before him and Dawn started dating. Dawn, I think, is going through a very confusing round of emotions. She seems torn between being mad at Scarlet or Xander. She's wondering if she should have listened to all the others when they said he'd hurt her. But I also found out some things about Xander's past that were disturbing to hear. It was finally explained why he doesn't like girls saying they're sorry to him. Things that were intended to happen, didn't. And for that, I'm grateful. I love my Tall Person so much. I don't think anyone really understands how much. It hurt me to hear what I did from Dawn. I just sat and stared at nothing as my eyes started to burn from unshed tears. But I'm not sure if he would've wanted me to cry for him. He acts so strong when, really, I think somewhere inside he's just a little kid who's scared of things he's done wrong. Afraid that no on will love him anymore if we know what he's been through, and what he's done. I don't think he understands that there's nothing that could make me stop loving him. He's my special Tall Person. I know that my not sound like much to anyone else, but, for me, it has a deeper meaning. For me, that phrase signifies everything he is to me. He's the boy who I fell in love with. He's the one who first kissed me. He's the boy who loved me back. He's the one who did, and still does, protect me. He's the big brother I always wanted. He's the best guy friend and I can tell him almost anything without him judging me. He's the one I look up to, actually. He may be broken but he still stays strong for others. He makes mistakes but, really, who doesn't? He's still human. His bones can break and he can bleed. He feels just as any other person does. He has ticklish spots and he loves puppies. I get what Dawn meant now. She said he used to watch me and look so proud and happy. But she's filled that spot now. He looks down at her and his eyes light up. They look happy and carefree. Watching his eyes has always been one thing that's helped me understand what he's feeling. I really do believe he cares for her very much. He's telling her things he's never told anyone else. She says it's timing. I say it's the right person finally being there. I wish I could have been that person, but I wasn't, and I think that's okay. Dawn deserves it, someone to love her. So does he. I think if they kissed I'd be okay, but Scarlet kinda ruined that. Dawn understands, to an extent, how I feel now. But I'm getting over it because I know that I won't ever be that person again, as much as I wish I could be... I wish I could read minds so I could know what everyone's really thinking and feeling. I accidentally said that I was sorry to Xander twice today and the flash of pain in his eyes just about killed me, especially now that I know why. Dawn and I are the only 2 that know. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully and truly get over Xander. He's someone I care about very much. I wish someone would come along and look at me like he used to. I just want to love and be loved in return again. I don't want to ever forget about Xander and I hope I always know him. I'm so glad the things that were supposed to happen, didn't. I'd be so much different than I am today. Alot of people would. I always wish that Xander and I were those really close friends. The guy friend that just holds the girl friend when she doesn't feel good or is scared or just because it's physical contact. The one who just pets her hair to soothe her and reassure that someone is there that cares and loves her. I want that so bad, with anyone. I mean, yeah, I have girl friends, but guys are just different. And it'd be nice to know someone loves me. But for now I'll just have to live without that. I really do hope I'll be his Baja Amiga [Spanish for Short Friend] for as long as we know each other. And I hope that's for a very long time because I know he'll always be my special Tall Person. I'll always love him no matter what happens. I hope things for him and Dawn will be okay. They deserve to be happy.
[The things that happened to Xander are not told for personal reasons.]
[Later the Same Day]
I wonder if Dawn regrets telling me the things about Xander. It's just another thing I share with them. It makes me feel bad that she can't have a Xander that's not tainted by me, but I don't regret dating him at all. So not everything can work the way you want it to.
[September 22, 2009]
I want Xander to read this, but at the same time, I don't. It'll be so embarrassing and I won't know what he'll think. Why does this have to be so complicated? I probably should tell Dawn and Xander what I told Lewis about my dad. It partially explains why I flinch when people raise their hand to me. If someone I care about slaps me and it doesn't physically hurt, it hurts me emotionally and stings for hours. I guess I'll write it here and let them read it. When I was little I loved my dad. He didn't have a huge drinking problem back then so I loved him. I was a daddy's girl. I'd fall asleep on his lap watching basketball or football on the TV. He was a truck driver so he was gone over the road alot of the time. I would puke every time he left. My mom worked alot so I always had to stay with my grandma. My cousin lived a few houses down from her so I spent most of my time with him. Greg was the closest thing I had to a sibling. He's about 3 years older than me. I remember always wanting to be like him. He did everything right. He's the best artist I know. He's always been amazing and he never complained about me hanging out with him, even as I got older. About the time I turned 12 was when we started to drift apart. But in a way, we're still just as close. We always wrestled. Always. Even to this day. As soon as we see each other we make fun of each other and wrestle around. I miss him so much. But my father, I don't know what happened. He started drinking increasingly. We used to wrestle, also. But as I got older, it got more violent. I've had so many close calls on broken bones. I get called names almost everyday. I hate any time he touches me now. I hate going home. Usually the only time I'm not in my room is when he's not home or when I'm eating. I'm either usually not home or locked in my room. I've been the cause of many of my parent's fights. I've been called a bitch, a slut, worthless, good for nothing. You name it. I've also been the cause of them almost divorcing many times. I've had my mom screaming at me, saying "Do you want to be the reason we got a divorce?!" I've had a conversation between me and my mom go like this:
Mom: Do you really hate him that much?
Mom: Do you wish he was gone?
Mom: Do you want me to divorce him?
Mom: If you really hate him that much. Do you want me to?
Because I either have to deal with the him for a few more years or I live with the guilt of being the reason they divorce. I have a half sister, Brooke. She's my dad's kid from before me and my mom. I haven't seen her since I was 5 years old. Over the summer I had the chance to talk to her. I always wondered, "Does she remember me? Will she ever want to see her little sister, to know her?" Apparently so. But I found out that she has other little sisters. She wouldn't want me. After 10 years of waiting and wondering, I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. So I don't know about that anymore. I'm so scared that my father, the one who should care about me and love me, will hurt me. It makes me scared of anyone that raises their hand to me. Like Xander, when he accidentally slapped me. It didn't hurt too bad physically and I knew it was an accident, but I couldn't make my mind believe that. That spot stung for awhile just because of that.