Monday, February 8, 2010

Hating Morning.

[September 29, 2009]
I'm tired this morning. I don't know if I'm really tired, but exhausted is probably a better word. I know it's weird, but I want to see them kiss. I feel like the only reason that I haven't is because they don't trust that I'm completely okay yet. I don't even know if I'm completely okay yet. But you know what? I've never seen Xander kiss anyone else and I've never seen Dawn kiss anyone in general. I'm not some freakish, pervy, peeping tom. It's just a step I have to get past.

[Later that same day.]
I want to get to know that person! Ahh, I've got a headache. My head is pounding and my eyes burn. I think I'm getting sick again. I need medicine. I should probably take some Ibuprofen. I think I'm getting a fever.

[Later that same day. Again.]
I'm very surprised that no one's guessed that I like him. And if they have, they haven't accused me. Which is insane. It would be so embarrassing if he found out, though. I don't know why, but it just would be. I've talked to him only a little out of school, on Myspace. He's sweet. It's very odd. The only reason I haven't used his name is because Xander reads this. Dawn is the only one that knows. I'll tell Xander eventually, I guess. If he wants to know.

[September 30, 2009]
So yesterday I told Xander that I like Andrew. I told Kimber this morning. She likes him, too. Whatever, though. Yesterday someone left the cigarettes visible in Xander's car and the sheriff walked by and saw. So Xander got in trouble for minor possession. While Xander was in the sheriff's car, I was talking to Andrew. I had a horrible fever and headache yesterday. Shane was up at the school and everyone was by his truck. I went over and rested my head against his shoulder and Andrew walked over. I'm not entirely sure how we even started talking, but we did. I had told him that I was sick again. He said, "That sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pissed." I asked him why and he told me that his friend killed himself the day before. I didn't know what to say. Later, he was laughing about something and I was just like, "Hey, you have a retainer." It was random, but he has a pretty smile. Then, I rested my head on the edge of Josh's truck and some people were in the bed. Manton started massaging my head. It was random but it felt really good so I didn't care. I love Thor. I miss him alot sometimes. He was like my big brother. I need someone, I really do. i need some sort of affection. It'd be cool if Andrew could go to our church sometime. But I'm not sure.

[Same day. 5:50 P.M]
Ahh! I so did not mean to tell Scott that I like Andrew. Dammit... I don't trust him to not tell.

[Same day. Time? Who cares?]
Today is the first time I haven't been able to breathe in awhile. And it's not because I'm sick. No, that's not it. I'm just pissed. They think it's cause my pen broke [It was one of my favorite ones and like the 3rd to break in a week.]. The thing is, if Xander's around, I don't get my friend. I get Xander's Dawn. And his Dawn is the most fragile thing in the world. But I'm the one that gets the pain. Emotional and physical. Who cares what kind? It's there either way and I'm pretty sick of it. Scott's sitting here, trying to talk to me. I can't tell him exactly what's wrong because it's not one thing, it's everything. And I'm alone. I'm ALWAYS alone. Xander and Dawn are together. Kimber, Scarlet, and Lewis are the best of friends now, along with LeeAnn. Scott's with Miranda. But guess who's left? Me. And who else? No one. I'm really starting to hate life. I thought it was getting better. What comes up, must come down I guess. And I knew I couldn't like who I actually want. But, seriously, why can't someone that I like just like me back for once? All I've eaten today is 2 pieces of bread, a few crackers, some Cheez-Its, and a fruit roll-up. Filling, huh?

[October 3, 2009]
Well, I'm better I guess. I saw Xander and Dawn kiss on Thursday, finally. Scott saw Wednesday night. It didn't really affect me any. I just really don't care anymore. I remember on Thursday I told Dawn that I was starting to go numb. But maybe, just maybe, I'm not. Maybe I'm just moving on and since I don't feel the pain anymore I'm not sure how to feel. I left school during first period yesterday because I got sick.

[October 4, 2009]
I now realize that I'm pretty happy. The only thing I'm missing is someone by my side to be happy with. There's this series of books that I really like called the Keisha'ra Series. There are 5 books and they're about shapeshifters. I would really like to re-read them, but I only have the 5th. It just fascinates me, the way their ways and morals are portrayed. Anyway, I love Coyote Ugly. I watched it on Friday night. That is one of my favorite movies. The guy is freaking hot. Haha. But I remember when me and Kimber stayed the night at Scarlet's and Xander and Scott were over. That's when we were still couples. We had gone to the Lawn playground, but then we went back to Scarlet's. The guys had to go but we really weren't ready for them to. So we went and got them and they stayed at Scarlet's for about another hour. All we did was lay on Scarlet's bed and watch Coyote Ugly. Those were good times. For me, at least. I miss having something like that. I'll have it again with someone, someday. Who knows? Maybe that day's sooner than I think. I'm going to try to fix myself. I'll try to be as optimistic as possible and hope for the best. But for now, I'm happy. I'll find someone. Soon, hopefully. At least sometime my sophomore year. I've still got 5 6-weeks to go.

[October 5, 2009]
Wow. Weird dreams much. Dawn stealing her mom's credit card, looking at porn, blaming it on being lonely, and Xander being proud. Haha. I'm so happy. So wondrously, magnificently happy. I just want to run up and hug random people. That sounds very exciting. Dawn and I discussed whether trucks or cars are sexier. It was agreed that trucks win that one. I love trucks. Haha. Especially guys' trucks. Dawn makes fun of e and says I'm horny. Nah, I just like guys. And I'm single. I might as well ogle to my liking. I honestly have no idea why I feel so happy. I'm just great. Just need a boyfriend and I'll be so insanely happy. I don't know who, though. No one notices me. So sad... But anyway, it'll happen eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

[October 6, 2009]
I wrote Thor a letter. I sent it out this morning. I'm just afraid he won't write back. But maybe he will. Devon and I like each other. Crazy, huh? I'm so happy, happy, happy still. But for some reason I still feel like I'm more drawn to Andrew. I have no idea why. I DO like Devon. I just like Andrew more. Oh well. Nothing important has really happened lately. But something good may happen soon. I do hope so.

[Same day.]
You know what I love? Cotton Candy. I can't believe I missed the fair this year. It's horrible. I got every year. It's always been my thing. Fair and rodeo. Nothing changes each year. It all stays the same. It's constant. I like having certain constants and that had always been one. Just a random thought. I love music so much. It calms me. I just got done listening to 'Brightest Hour' by The Submarines. Now I'm listening to 'Your Ex-lover is Dead' by The Stars. Dawn know that song. It's a good one.

[October 7, 2009]
I'm starting to like Devon more. He's got pretty eyes. I don't really...understand why he like me though. I don't know. I hope he comes to church. That'd be cool.

[October 8, 2009]
Yay! Devon asked me out last night. it was just kind of awkward this morning. I don't exactly know what to do. It'll get better, though. I guess. The only 2 people he's kissed are Alex and Frosta. Ew. But oh well. I like him and apparently I'm Dillon's 'twin sister' now. Devon left to go on the FCCLA trip. It sucks. But I'm so happy.

[October 13, 2009]
4 days. What's happened in the past 4 days? Dawn says it's just angsty 'I don't love Devon'-ness so i guess I'll just briefly explain. Game Friday. Kiss when I went home. Awkward and didn't feel right. And I don't know how to fix it. That's all about my angsty 'I don't love Devon'-ness. I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm on medicine for a month in case it isn't a stomach ulcer. But if it is, I have to go back and get the scope down my throat. I weight 106 pounds. Ew. The newest desktop project should be fun. Senior memory books. But yeah, I'm not sure when Xander became the enemy. Not really an enemy, but not so much my friend either. I don't know what happened. i do know that I miss my Tall Person, though.

[October 15, 2009]
Andrew likes trees and Death Cab For Cutie. That just automatically deems him cool in my book. Haha. I need to break up with Devon. I really do. I need to talk to him but i do not want to do it in person. I'm not exactly great at break ups. The last time I had to break up with someone was almost 5 months ago and all I did was hand Xander his necklace. I didn't even say anything because I knew he would understand. I wonder what ever happened to that necklace... I just keep weaving my way deeper into this mess I've made when I know nothing good will come out of it. Andrew's very fun to talk to though. He's good at the question game. Fields of Faith was pretty fun last night. I hung out with Zack, Israel, and Peyton. Peyton's my little brother. Well, not technically. But he might as well be. I love that kid. He looks so cute in my hoodie. Haha. I don't understand it... How me and Xander are still so close. It's like we were never even together. We act like we did before. I don't know. It really doesn't matter, I guess. I need to stay the night at Kimber's. I haven't done that in ages. Just me, no one else. When Dawn tries to tell me something that deals with her and Xander I usually say "That's cool, don't care." And that kind of holds truth. Scarlet was like, "So if she got pregnant, you wouldn't care or be disappointed?" I said, "Nope, I'd say 'Congratulations. I hope it's a boy. I'll be there when he's broken.'" Dawn wants to tell me these things and for me to be fascinated and excited for her. But the only thing that runs through my mind is 'Yeah, I know it's cool. I've already been there and done that.' But whatever. Who cares? Right now I'm focused on the greatness of Death Cab For Cutie and just relaxing. I'm just tired alot of the time and I don't want to deal with drama or pain. I just want to relax and enjoy things.

[October 16, 2009]
Finally! I'm single once more. And my ulcer's going away. I'm so happy again. I'm going to go get a piercing and new headphones tomorrow. I'll probably get my belly button done. I wonder who will go with me. My mom still doesn't even know I was with Devon. Mmm. I'm having the most delicious sucker. It's called Tropical Splash. It's very blue. I got so confused last night. Allisson's number was saved under LeeAnn's name for some reason. So I was really texting Allisson when I thought it was LeeAnn. I had the best peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. It was so good. I can't wait for tomorrow. Everything feels so back to normal now. And the table at lunch won't be all weird anymore.

[October 18, 2009]
I got my belly button pierced yesterday. But that's not what's on my mind. What is, is what I just read of Dawn's most recent writing. I don't think that she gets that it's more than the fact that I've 'been there, done that.' Does she really think I want to hear how all her firsts were also mine? That the guy i first 'loved,' is now with one of my best friends? That I couldn't manage to keep him and now she's got him. And she want to know what I told Thor about. Well, it's not for her to know. It's between me and him. No one else knows either. It's pathetic that I have to be on medication to deal with the physical pain of being stressed. As if the emotional crap isn't enough... Usually if we're blocking out Dawn, it's because she's either pouting or complaining that Xander isn't there. Ether way, for the rest of us, he's there. And I don't want to hear about him. Cause now the only time me and him talk is with Dawn in the middle. He never messages back. But why should I care, right? And you know what? Sure, I was worried that Dawn passed out, but if she's going to slap me, she can deal with whatever comes with that. That is one of the few things I can't stand. And also, I don't understand how Dawn can expect me to be happy about things with them when any time I'm around them, if I so much as touch her, it's a 'Yay! Let's attack Marina' button for Xander. So I just won't make any physical contact with Dawn from now on. I would run away if I had anywhere to go. But I don't. So for now, I'm stuck here. My parents always fight. I can never do anything right. Lewis' been the only one to realize that I still want to run away. I bet I could always call Greg. I bet if I ever needed help or to just get away, I could call and he'd come get me. I always feel completely comfortable around him. Everything gets drowned out and it's just like when we were little. I just admire him. He's my favorite person out of the whole family. Sometimes even more than my mom. I hate my other cousin, Greg's older brother, Daniel. He always hurt me. Still does any time I see him. Lesleigh's my second favorite. She's cool. But Greg, I grew up with. I watched him crash his bike and get so torn up and broken. I learned how to draw from him. We always wrestled. He took me fishing and taught me how to drive. I got my admiration of cars and puffy veins from him. He let me sit and draw on his back with gel pens for hours and would do the same to me. We played dodgeball with tennis balls and base balls in the back yard. We painted his neighbor's fence together. He drew flames for me so I could stencil them on my scooter. He almost drove us off the side of a cliff in a jeep. We had Oreos for breakfast. He makes the best homemade cheese fries. I'll love that kid 'til the end of forever. I really do miss him alot. I wonder when he'll get married. I'm definitely going to be there for that. He taught me how to shoot with a bow and arrow and guns. Man, I've got to get back in touch with him. But sleep is good for now.

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