Saturday, February 6, 2010


[September 23, 2009]
I got my stereo and a new purse yesterday. hah, randomness. But anyway, Dawn and Xander were discussing going to her church today. She hasn't gone in a couple weeks. Kimber says she won't go to Dawn's church. I want to go though. So does Dawn. I want to see Peyton. [One of my friend's little brother. He's like my little brother, too.] And I would love to see the look on Dana's [Youth leader.] face if the whole group were to go. But whatever, I still want to go. I know Lewis would. I don't know about Scarlet though. It would be pretty fun with just the 4 of us. I should get my new hoodie by Friday. Good thing, too. It's been getting cooler lately and the one I have now is falling apart. I can't wait to get my license. I got to drive yesterday. I went to United and Britt [Scarlet's ex. One of our friend's brother.] was working so I got to bother him.There was this guy named Xavier that worked there. He had cool hair, but he kinda looked like a girl. Hah. I saw Greg yesterday. I was at a stop sign and he turned on that same road. He honked at me and it scared the hell out of me. I think a person's pretty cool. I won't put a name since i let Dawn and Xander read this and I don't know if I want them to know I like him. I don't know him well and I know it's just a pointless liking. Things wouldn't work at all. So I'll just admire him from afar. Hah. Xander still has to tell me why 'Veins and Scars' made him happy and sad. I should ask him about that soon.

[Septemeber 24, 2009]
Oh god, I'm exhausted. I just want to go home [I'm at school.] and go back to sleep. But I can't. We went to church last night. It was me, Lewis, Xander, and Dawn. I was right. It was fun. Until the very end at least. I went to the Kimber's house after school. But it was kind of weird because Xander was the one to pretty much invite me over. But I went anyway. I sat on the couch chair with Jake [Kimber's dog] and was reading my book for english. I fell asleep though. Xander woke me up at about 5:15. He told Lewis we'd be there to get him at around 5:20. I had been dreaming about Grease. Hah. So we went and got Lewis. Xander got kind of paranoid because he had been smoking and he thinks Lewis' mom could smell it. Lewis' cat attacked him. So we were on our way to church and Xander was, once again, smoking. I was watching the cigarette and waiting for a piece to fall off. It fell off and I didn't see where it went. Then all of a sudden I hear Lewis give a girly scream from the backseat. None of us could stop laughing. It was nice. When we got to the church there was the most amazing car there. It was a red sting ray. It was so amazing. Youth wasn't really youth. It was a luncheon for Kid's Time [Classes for the little kids]. So we all ate and just hung out. The flowers outside killed my allergies though. Then we played volleyball for awhile. Well, me and Dawn kind of just watched. I got to see Peyton and that made me really happy. After awhile we decided to leave, but we didn't want to go home just yet. We were about to cross the railroad tracks and I got an idea. I wanted to go to the elementary playground and so did Xander. So he turned around and we did. We climbed on one of the jungle gyms, but I decided to leave Dawn and Xander alone. I went over to the swings and Lewis followed. As I was sitting down, I turned to him and said, "I have a feeling about them, a good feeling. Like here, tonight, could be their first kiss. What with the playground and the stars." Then me and Lewis started talking about random things. It was mostly just me talking and him listening. I was just remembering things from the past. Finally, I got off the swing and started walking around and just remembering things that happened in each spot. I started pacing and Lewis sat down. I had a feeling something would happen and I had the instinct to run. So I walked around a building to get to the other part of the playground. I looked back and saw Lewis following, so I sped up some some and when I was out of his sight, I ran. I leaned up against the building for a couple minutes and caught my breath. i sat down on a pole and Lewis, finally and unfortunately, found me. I wouldn't look at him. After a few minutes I got up and walked toward the car, right as Xander and Dawn were. Perfect timing. I knew Xander and Dawn had kissed. In the car, I focused on the music and a plane in the sky. I couldn't think about anything right then. We dropped off Lewis, then me next. I was forcing myself to be calm. When we got to my house I opened the door, said "Adios peoples," and slowly closed the door. i got inside and ate something for dinner. I messaged Dawn and she asked why I hadn't answered my phone. I told her that i didn't have my phone with me and that I'd call her in a minute. I called and she told me that her and Xander had kissed. I had been messaging Lewis and he said he wanted to as me out at the playground so badly. I told him he's like my brother. I said I was sorry and we just stopped talking. I was talking to Dawn and Xander about what would happen if I ran away. Dawn said it would change everything, that I'm the 'link.' I don't see it that way at all. The way I see it is if i go away things will be better. Lewis can't love me if I'm not there. Xander and Dawn won't have to worry about me. Xander said I shouldn't run away and if I absolutely had to, to go to his house. How would that work? especially if it was late at night. What am i supposed to do, sneak out of my house and shimmy in through his window? But if it ever got too bad, i suppose i would. Or I'd figure out something. But while talking to Dawn on the phone, I started coughing really bad. Apparently Xander's not feeling well either. I took some Nyquil and it finally knocked me out at about 11:30. So far, I haven't talked to Lewis at all today. I want a hug. I would've been fine last night if only one thing had happened. But their kiss and the Lewis thing together kind of had me a little breathless. I wish I could live with Kimber sometimes. But I don't sometimes, also. i just like being close to someone physically for some reason. I hate being alone sometimes. I just like having physical contact with someone. I like being able to feel heartbeats. They calm me. And I have nobody I can have that with.

[September 25, 2009]
Oh god, Dawn scared the crap out of me this morning. I messaged her and she was just giving one word answers so I asked if she was okay and she said no. I asked what happened and then I found out she just doesn't feel good. I was freaking out. Hah, the irony. I get sad when they get together, but now I'd be sad if they were apart. I swear there's something wrong with me. It's weird. I want to hang out with Dawn and Xander. I don't know why. I kind of want to have another random day like the one when we went to Dawn's. They'll probably think I'm weird. It's odd that I want to be with them. I feel like they treat me different than the others. Like they take me more seriously or trust me me more. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Who knows? I wish they would come over this weekend. That would be nice.

[September 26, 2009]
A fair- weather friend. An interesting term. It's a friend who runs at the first sign of trouble. It's not even related to what I'm going to write about. it just had an interesting sound to it.

When you're little you believe that you're invincible and that you can do anything. And certain people, when they get older, still believe that. I'm not one of them. I'm not a real big believer in myself. I feel like the only things I know well, is remember music. Like even this, my writing, I feel is horrible. The only reason I do it is so I can get my feelings out without doing something destructive. and I let Dawn and Xander read it because they won't judge me. I think I'm starting to trust them the most. I think that they just understand me alot better. I wonder if it's weird how much I trust Xander. In so many ways he's like my brother. I feel the need to protect him and I think, I don't know for sure, that he feels the same sometimes. And Dawn, I feel like she's my little sister. Just a bit younger and not far behind. I realize that I write alot about them and that may be weird. But I feel so close to both of them and that's kind of twisted. Or it should be at least. I know they say they don't care when I'm around. i also know that I don't always believe them. It feels like I should feel like a 3rd wheel, but I don't. i guess it has something to do with the writing. We share that among us 3. Maybe that's what makes me feel close to them. Oh, today me and Dawn were talking about graduation. I wonder what will happen with Xander when he graduates. I feel like I'll lose my Tall Person when he's not there anymore. I'm talking to Lewis about how I'm not usually serious in the group, but other times I am. I was showing more of myself on the playground than I meant to. i can be alot more serious than I think people are able to expect from me. I'm just afraid of what they'd think of that side of me. I really wish Xander would say what he thinks about things. I would love to know more about him. Sometimes I feel like I let him read all of this and he could be thinking anything. So I let my mind wander and bad results come up. I feel calm around him and Dawn. Like we could just be sitting in the car with the radio turned up and speeding down back roads. Like that's the most peaceful, relaxing thing in the world. Like our thoughts don't matter and we're all just happy. I wish life could always be like that. Or that it could be enough to just drive with the windows down, the music blasting, and 2 of your best friends along with you.

[September 28, 2009]
The Bitter After Taste of Coffee
Xander, Xander, Xander, Xander, XANDER!! Ugh. I swear that there are so many times I just want to scream. The memories overfill my mind and i can't find anything to replace them with. Today, I found the first person I can picture kissing since Jason. He's pretty cool. I don't know much about him, but I'd like to. Xander was my first kiss and so far, he's my last. I desperately want to change that. But you see, this guy I like, I don't think he would ever see me like that. I wish he would, though. He's cute but hot at the same time. I haven't really talked to him alot. If you've ever kissed someone who smokes, you'd know that it's a very airy, bitter taste. Very similar to coffee. And that flavor still, to this day, is stuck with me. I wonder how similar his would be. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I ever will. After school today, Tyler just randomly wrapped his hands around my ribs and lifted me up way high. He was like "What the hell?!" and lifted me up again. I squealed and he set me down. I really hate being lifted up. I don't trust them enough to not drop me. Andrew was just like "You must weigh like 60 pounds." Well he was off by 43 pounds. I weigh 103 pounds. Which means I need to lose some. I hate being over 100. I just don't like it at all. I have never been over 104. I'm sure this sounds horrible. There are many times I've wanted to just stop eating. There's been many times where I've actually felt fat. And I have never told anyone that. And I honestly never intended to. When me and Xander broke up, I didn't eat for 3 straight days. I'm not even sure if he remembers that. But I felt horrid. And I was disgusted with myself. He had hurt me and I didn't know why. So I made my own reasons. Me being beyond ugly was one of them. When I finally forced myself to eat, any smell of food made me nauseous. It took me about 5 minutes to eat just one bite of a Slim Jim without throwing it back up. I guess that's not exactly healthy, but at that time I couldn't care less. I just wanted to fix whatever was wrong with me that cause my pain to happen. I was either too quiet or too loud. I couldn't balance out my emotions correctly. I remember eating dinner with Kimber's family and her mom asked me why I wasn't eating. Xander told her that I hadn't been eating. When she asked me why I just looked at Xander and told her to ask him. I think it was just dropped then and I didn't care. If they didn't care, whey should I? Even now I'll still have days that I'll eat little to nothing. And I don't really care. There are times I wish I could walk up to some random guy and kiss him just to get rid of the fact that I knows that Xander was my last kiss and I have to share that with Dawn. I should get to know that person because even though there's probably no chance, I guess I could still hope. I'm not even sure he's single. I'll find out eventually I guess.

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